And They Lived Happily Ever After // Issue 16

 It's a brand new month, and that means it's time for a brand new issue of the best paper on the web. And we have some of the most incredible news you've heard yet in store for you. So find yourself a seat because you will not believe it when you read it.

Tea_Roll Announces She Is Stepping Down as Official Poker

After a long and poke-filled career, the Nyota legend has announced this month that she will no longer be making any attempts to poke random LRVT members on the forums or abroad. "It was a good run", She said. "One of the best in history! But yeah, everything has to end someday, and today's the day to retire my poking for good." 

When we asked about the future of all her special poking sticks, she shrugged and said she may donate them to Oatmeal, or maybe give them back to Elwood. While we are disappointed that there will not be a museum dedicated to these legendary tools used for poking, we hope that... whoever is the new owner will keep them well contained to avoid imposter pokers from appearing.

Webby Is Cleared Of ALL Weather-Related Charges

In an unbelievable turn of breaking news, The Pepper is the first to report that the LRVT member known as SpiderWebby, who has a long list of accusations was cleared from all charges relating to weather and natural disasters at a recent hearing.

 In spite of the incredible series of severe storm events including dozens of tornados, snow and excessively high winds, all the evidence that we have worked so hard to collect was quite literally blown away and the case was dismissed for lack of evidence. 

This unlikely news has shaken the Subeta World and they are stunned and amazed, and now turn their eyes to the future wondering "Whodunnit then??"

Socialite Lovecraft retires her scandalous wardrobe

Perhaps the most shocking news to break this month is that longtime fashionista Lovecraft who seems to aim to be featured weekly in the fan-favorite Nekkid News Column has retired all of her revealing clothing and is now dedicating her time to promoting coverage and decorum. 

"There comes a point when you just decide enough is enough!" She said. "Now that I've turned over a new leaf, I'm delighted to say that my new aim is to keep the Nekked News completely out of business and inspire a new column called From Head To Toes where only the most covered of HA are featured. People get tired of seeing skin. Let's give them something better!"

You can sign up for Lovecraft's course for the low, startup cost of 5mil CSC. All inquiries may be sent to her smail box. 

Frieda Swears off Sweets. Says they are unfit for consumption

The beloved Frieda released a statement saying that she will no longer accept cookies as a bribe. In fact, we have it on good authority that Frieda has turned into something of a health nut and has sworn off all sweets and treats as well as gone completely raw and vegan. 

"I've never felt so alive!" she gushed. "And my fur is the most amazing it's ever been! Sugar and sweets were killing me and my new mission in life is to ban them from the site entirely. It's for our own good!"

We were unable to get a statement from Fantine or the owner of the Candy Shack about how they feel about the protests planned for outside of their shops in the coming months. 

TerrenaAnimula will no longer send creepy gifs in chat

Nyota royal Terrena, best known for her excessively creepy gif floods in the Royal Chat, recently has been heard to say she's committing to not sending anything that would burn the royal eyes or cause Spring to hit the unsee button.

"Yeah, I just realized it wasn't cool to force other people to see things they don't think are cute", she said to one of our reporters. "Everyone is entitled to their preferences of course, but I won't infringe on their choices by forcing mine in public settings." 

The definition of "cute" has not been settled, but this surprising commitment has gained a lot of attention in the last few weeks and garnered a lot of discussion on what exactly IS group chat worthy when it comes to gifs.

Spring admits that she secretly is a fan of winter

Spring's admission that her favorite season may not be the one of which she is Queen left the LRVT clan absolutely shocked. The longtime promoter of the season that bears her name has always been known for flowers, gardens, and fireflies but she came clean this week and announced that secretly she prefers cozy blankets, roaring fires, and bitterly cold winter nights best of all.

"It's all so magical" she gushed, standing in the 55 mph icy wind that was blowing through. "It makes me feel alive!"

This has left many subetans questioning everything they've ever known and wondering what is real anymore.

The Empress will disband all spending limits and restrictions on the LRVT clan and royal family

After years of carefully watching the budget and quickly bopping anyone who stepped out of line, Empress Lariel herself is set to decree a new era has come to the Nyotas and to LRVT. She will formally dissolve all laws that restrict spending and limit collection pieces. It's 2022, and she believes it's time to be free from all old laws that bound us heretofore.

"Yes, it is true", she assured the press. "I shall retire my royal bopping fans and remove the locks from all the royal vaults. My sisters shall spend freely and we shall live the highest of lives until the very end. I have come to accept that wealth is only good when spent as quickly as it comes, and I have grown weary of bopping. This new era will be the one that we all remember for years to come."

The royal bopping fans are being preserved and encased to remind us all that once we were not allowed to buy 50 billion dollar dresses ten at a time. 

Oceanfront Property For Sale

And if you bought that, could the owners of The Pepper interest you in some oceanfront property in The Galaxan Wastelands? Now that you don't have any spending limits, 60 trillion sP will be no problem. If you buy that, we'll toss in Centropolis for free...

Happiest of April to each of you!